Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

spirit airlines customer service rep just said “Q as in cute”

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo

the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

I peed so hard that a little laugh came out

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”

Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said