Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months

me: i thought i got three wishes right now

genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year

Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.

Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!

Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad

Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:

“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”

Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.

The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up

My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.

QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?

me: want to go to the ice rink?

friend: i can’t stand ice skating

me: you’ll be able to with practice

Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf