I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
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put ‘er there pardner!
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin