I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
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My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Merry Christmas
