I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
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Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
You are what you delete.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
The Friday File.
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Gas station lines at 2 am:
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.