Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for

Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?

If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵

Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.

3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”

– Adam & Eve on laundry day

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

I don’t argue with my kids anymore. I just vacuum every surface of the living room while they’re trying to watch TV.

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.

What do you want him to do?

Fry yam?