i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
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Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
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If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
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please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer