I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
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My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Somebody’s lying.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT