I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
You Might Also Like
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Follow me for more recipes
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.