I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
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Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
seems like a niche market
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor