I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
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In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Good advice.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.