Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Current beard: Outdoor woodsman

Current body: Indoor couchman

dark side of the loom

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.

New word: Biscgret.

Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.

if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

Oh thanks BBC.

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you

me:
Can I count on you?

wife:
Of course, always.

(sits on her lap)

me:
One…two…three…four…

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo

my wife: the baby’s crying

me: as he should be. it’s upsetting

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion

How to get ready for things :

1. Procrastinate for 5 hours

2. Panic 10 min before leaving

me: I wish for infinite wishes!

genie: ok

me: wait are you serious

genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit