Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.

Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.

If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30

Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.

Me: Can you describe the suspect?

Him: He was heavily armed

Me *writing octopus* this is bad

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.

*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”

GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?