I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
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If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.