I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
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Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
no their not
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes