@Paxochka

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

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@LizHackett

I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

@TragicAllyHere

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

@panmidwest

SISTER: i’m engaged!

ME: awwwwwwwwewwww

SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there

ME: …no

@MaryJustice86

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

@DecantAndPour

I always keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge just in case anyone wants a black coffee.

@fillthevacuum

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

@alovablenerd

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

@kcmoore51

[sanitation worker knocks at my door]

The amount of McDonald’s related trash we’re collecting from your home each week has us concerned.

@shariv67

When villainy didn’t pay anymore, The Riddler got a job writing furniture assembly instructions for IKEA.