@Paxochka

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

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@VerbsRProudest

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

@GeminiJew

If you don’t know the difference between a spree killer, a mass murderer, and a serial killer, we can’t be friends.

@fiImsbi

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

@sliver_of

“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor

@gnuman1979

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

@Piecezilla

Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised.

@AndrewChamings

make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”

@tastefactory

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen

@WhaJoTalkinBout

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.