I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
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If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
SISTER: i’m engaged!
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
The word omelette implies the existence of another, bigger, ome
I always keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge just in case anyone wants a black coffee.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides
That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
[sanitation worker knocks at my door]
The amount of McDonald’s related trash we’re collecting from your home each week has us concerned.
When villainy didn’t pay anymore, The Riddler got a job writing furniture assembly instructions for IKEA.