I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
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Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“We really must stop meeting like this!”
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*