Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“WTF?”

“Seriously?”

“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.

Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.

8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.

Me: You’re holding nunchucks.

8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

Day 1 of being kidnapped.

Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.

Husband is asking for more money.

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song

ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar