Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

These aliens are taking forever.

#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.

2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.

2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.

I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.

Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: yay!

God: you have a very long neck.

Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?

God: uh-sure.

Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!

God: no-

Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.

God:

Giraffe: feels like 72 : )

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?

Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy