Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else

Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt

Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….

My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.

daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?

me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?

daughter:

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!

– Nuns N’ Moses

(I’m so sorry)

Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?

Me: only twice a year

Them: and how long does it last?

Me: 6 months

The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣

Ladies,

When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.

A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.