Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8

Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

he’s making a list
he’s checking it twice
he’s inserting bullet points
he’s moved a picture
shit undo undo
what the margin
trying to insert more bullet points
they’re now shifted left?
Santa Claus is struggling with Microsoft Word

Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode

Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.