Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pilot: we’re gonna crash

Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count

Her: yeah?

Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*

HR: We need to see you for a moment

Me: Is this about the nail clipping?

He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy

Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?

Social media for large reptiles: Instagator

I call my period Shark week.

I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

[first day at the cia]

supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.

me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.

how long have you had this for?

Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total

If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.

Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.