“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
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Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
[montage of me giving-up]
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!