“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
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My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
I am yelling
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I love twitter
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.
I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.