“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
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Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
My circle of trust is a meatball
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling