“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
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Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?