I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
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i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
Meanwhile in Canada…
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best