I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
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If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
