Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pal: what’s your favorite band

me: idk probably rubber

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.

In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.

Lesson learned. No donuts next time.

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.⁣⁣

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?

A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.

3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ