I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
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“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
When you’ve simply given up.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or