I’m not the jealous type. And no I don’t know why every time you talk to someone the police find their body dumped in a river the next day.

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Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”


“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays


No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”


M: *hands you back your baby*

Aw, is he getting too heavy?

M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.


The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.


No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….


I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.


My 1-year-old stabbed a stuffed animal with a broken plastic spoon.

She learned to fight in prison.


Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.


[Outside ER]

Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”

Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”