Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
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*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.