Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.

Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

Mhm.

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.

5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black

you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.

Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?

Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!

Friend: are you mad?

Me: what no

Friend: you look mad

Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.

“Sorry my phone died”

-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.

Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.