I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
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He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
🙀🙀🙀😹
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
Candles never taste the way they smell
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Who called them bad decisions and not instinks?
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor