I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
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First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
let’s discuss
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me