Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”

My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great

A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener

Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!

Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.