Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead

WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter

I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.

He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.

There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.

Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired

It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.

Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”

NBA:

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1186074890815844352/pu/vid/360x360/oQW8l_IkcoBwBGdp.mp4?tag=10

Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.

I love snow

– People who never shovel

I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?

I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁