I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
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My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
“Bartender, there’s a hair on my ice cube!”
“You should have asked for shaved ice.”
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
when people give me directions and say “you can’t miss it” buddy you have no idea what i’m capable of
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme