I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
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All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
#Caturday
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Me, reading some of your tweets
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.