Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress

ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work

Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”

Me: “that’s a goat.”

Son: “Why?”

Me: …

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇

My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”

My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!

Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods

House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.

Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.

I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.

And they come in the next 15 minutes.

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.