I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
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hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Been banned from every restaurant in my town for refusing to stop calling lasagna ‘Italian meat cake’.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?