Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

The second world war should have been called world war returns

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

Mothra: [flying around]

Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself

I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

TEETH IS INNOCENT

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

Class: you want us to what

Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy

Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”

You: “Why? What’s happened?”

Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.