@iGreenGod

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

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@50FirstTates

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

@hardasamother

Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.

@Monicann86

*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*

@cupcakelynda

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

@bornmiserable

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

@not_delicate

[Looking at something funny on my phone]

Husband: Let me see?
Me: Of course. One second.

[Resets phone to factory settings]

Me: Here you go.

@13spencer

A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.

@Maxine12339

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

@d_duhwit

First day as waiter

Boss: Can you clear table 5?
Me: Well I haven’t done track and field since high school but. *runs at table..