@iGreenGod

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

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@Sassafrantz

Every Thanksgiving I say my boyfriend broke up with me so my family lets me overeat without shame.

@seamussaid

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

@noog

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

@eff_yeah_steph

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

@D_Ciphered

Heaven are the mornings I wake with your head on my chest. The new day’s dawn peeking through the window as you look up at me and say those three little words…

“Brush your teeth!”

@Book_Krazy

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

@Joshuawbenson

PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:

When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.

I call it Lip palm.

It’s free.