I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

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asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life


Canadian winters be like:

Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.


*logs onto Facebook*

*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*

*logs off forever*


My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.


I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”


[Looking at something funny on my phone]

Husband: Let me see?
Me: Of course. One second.

[Resets phone to factory settings]

Me: Here you go.


A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.


If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.


First day as waiter

Boss: Can you clear table 5?
Me: Well I haven’t done track and field since high school but. *runs at table..