I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
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If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years