Every Thanksgiving I say my boyfriend broke up with me so my family lets me overeat without shame.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
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Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Heaven are the mornings I wake with your head on my chest. The new day’s dawn peeking through the window as you look up at me and say those three little words…
“Brush your teeth!”
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.