Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

how was your vacation

I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.

As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends, into what?”

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.

Cleaning your kids room will piss you off cause why is my Air Fryer in here.

3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…

We ordered tampons.

And they sent the closest appropriate thing.

Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

next level snooze

Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.