Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing

He refuses to bathe without the Melon

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

watergate? u mean a dam??

There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL

Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.

Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”

Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”

💀

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!

My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?