I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
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WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.