I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

You Might Also Like


[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”


Homeschooling day 3

Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…


LAWYER: Can you tell the court where you were the night of the murder


LAWYER: Ugh. Please tell the court where you were the night of the murder

ENGLISH TEACHER: Much better. I was killing the victim


I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.


son: what do you mean old mcdonald HAD a farm

me: huh

son: what happened to the animals


son: did they die

me: no

son: phew

me: old mcdonald did


Our foul, evil octopus has just learnt to suck loads of water directly from the end of the tank pump, so it can spray me with even more water than usual if I (the person she hates the most) step within a foot of her tank. I’m absolutely soaked


Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word


When I drop my son off at school I do one arm pushups at the entrance to let the other dads know that’s what’s up. But they’re all at work.


My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana