I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
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Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
My beach vacation Google searches
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”