@MichelleVitagrl

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

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@flashember

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”

@MumInBits

Homeschooling day 3

Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…

@Home_Halfway

LAWYER: Can you tell the court where you were the night of the murder

ENGLISH TEACHER: I’m sure I CAN, yes

LAWYER: Ugh. Please tell the court where you were the night of the murder

ENGLISH TEACHER: Much better. I was killing the victim

@TimfromDa70s

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

@tweetsbyrocket

son: what do you mean old mcdonald HAD a farm

me: huh

son: what happened to the animals

me:

son: did they die

me: no

son: phew

me: old mcdonald did

@harryreefeco

Our foul, evil octopus has just learnt to suck loads of water directly from the end of the tank pump, so it can spray me with even more water than usual if I (the person she hates the most) step within a foot of her tank. I’m absolutely soaked

@DrakeGatsby

Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word

@1BigMick

When I drop my son off at school I do one arm pushups at the entrance to let the other dads know that’s what’s up. But they’re all at work.

@WritePlay

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana