I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

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They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.

Or bees.


You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.


I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.


You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body


[ First Date ]

Her: So you’re a MMA fighter?

* flashback to me kickboxing a mannequin at Nordstrom’s *

Me: Yea, I’m still training


Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework


I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.


Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week