Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?

[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]

Me: I have no idea.

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

Every work call, he judges.

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me

Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-

Me: *glares*

Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.

That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

Thanks to a fan for this one!

Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”

I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.

We don’t deserve birds.

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]

GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-

me: look, we need more strong female lead char-