I’m not touch-starved, I’m just a little touch snacky. I could eat some touches
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Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Uh oh…
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Dumplings,
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.