I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
You Might Also Like
oh my gosh!!
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
