Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green

I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?

Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.

A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.

I felt a fool.

Everyone else was wearing clothes.

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.

thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code

The news is so predictable nowadays

This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask

me: no you can have them

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth

I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

14: I don’t have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It’s back.

Me: Good talk.

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.