Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to math, I’m broke

Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.

Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”

when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

*flicks cigarette after a long drag*

Here’s the thi—

*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.