Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.

There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?

My husband’s closet:

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.

Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

“When god closes a door, he opens a window”

Murder Hornets: Awesome!

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie

Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…