Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?

Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

A letter home from Burning Man:

“My Dearest Martha:

I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

Me: What does venison taste like?

Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.

[Later]

Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.

I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath