I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
You Might Also Like
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
My blood type is coffee.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
These are so Plastic Man-core
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.