I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
#MeanwhileinCanada
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
