I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
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Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Not today
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.