Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

[text message]

Coworker: Can I call you quick?

Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.

You have to keep it to a low ha.

#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?

Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.

Men: I think it started in the 90’s.

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy

It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’

Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?

Me: She’s a week old!

Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.