I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
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I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Flock of bats
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.