Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check

Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt

I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’

-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.

I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.

Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.

I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

Autocorrect completely socks

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

*lint rolls you awake*

ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.

DAUGHTER: Chad.

ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.

I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.

So who’s the hero now?

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

I am absolutely never leaving this website

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

they split up moments later