Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.

Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”

Me: I thought you were going to read.

10-year-old: I am.

Me: You’re watching a movie.

10: I got it from the library.

Checkmate.

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

Friend: I said be selfish.

Me dressed as a clam: Oh

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

Me recordaron éste meme

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.

say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute