Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled

[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree

Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”

Cyclops: Wow

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes

cop: any drugs on u

me: on or in

cop: what

me: what

BaD BoY!!

Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.

Nobody:

My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]

There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.

As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.

I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.

If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers

OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners

Me: why are you not drinking your milk?

3: it’s too cow-ey

Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

*Meanwhile at a restaurant*

Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?

Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.

*Picks table and walks out*

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail