I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
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She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of