I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
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Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
never stops being funny
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Jake Paul will have to watch Mike Tyson closely. He will be trying to punch him
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
this is the best day of my life
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.