Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO

[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?

Me: When a man and a woman…

Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg

[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha

Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

Me: What are you doing?

4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.