Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

[Jews being led out of Egypt]

Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?

Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!

BOSS: Can I see you in my office?

INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING

GOD: I gave you my son.

MAN: You mean your only son?

GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.

I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.

GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment

ME: finally a program for me

Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?

Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.

Friends: C’mon, just have one….

Me: Ok, maybe just one.

[ three hours later at the club ]

Me:

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

“STOP COPYING ME!”

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*

mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

That de-escalated quickly

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels