Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird

Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.

SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea

My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink

HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.

ME:

HER: Please stop imagining all those things.

ME: Ok.

me: in or out

dog: yep

me: which one

dog: you bet

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously

Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses

My dog: she’s my support person

Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?

Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –

Son: Mom!