Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit

Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

my name is luke but my friends dont call me

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?

*checks Amazon*

I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

#Caturday