Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made

Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.

Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

damn he’s good

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.

Me: You wrote a play?

Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.

Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?

The “baby” on the left….

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write

3: Can I be Cinderella?

Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.

3:

Me: Well?

3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?