I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
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I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*