I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
You Might Also Like
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Cop lights are so pretty at night
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
here we go again
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
I triple waxed for this?